Conflict talks

In fact, humans need criticism. At least feedback is important for us. We want to know where we stand and what we are doing right or wrong. Feedback from others helps us to know how we fit in in an organization, how to control our behavior and how to improve it. It gives us guidance, security and confirmation. However, most people get palpitations at the thought of criticism or negative feedback. Why?

The problem with criticism is that humans tend to relate it to themselves as a person, whereas in fact, it is only a feedback for performance. You take it personally.

Do you remember your last conversation that involved criticism that went well?
Why did it went well? What principles can be derived from it?

The more someone feels appreciated as a person, the lower the risk that a conversation with criticism will escalate. Appreciation functions quasi like a buffer. It ensures that a person does not personally feel attacked. So their mind remain clear (rather than impulsively going to opposition) and their mindset opens to the expressed desires for change.

This is exactly what you as a manager should ensure before a criticism or conflict talk (the one easily escalates into the other): That your employee feels valued by you as a person and therefore does not feel personally attacked - to have an open ear for your criticism of his or her behavior.

When I feel attacked, overburdened, or even offended as an employee, I should not accept this, but ask to discuss the situation privately. Of course, it takes courage, but what is the alternative? An attitude of internal resignation can not be a solution.

The better alternative is to be brave and to speak to the supervisor and if necessary, with a shaky voice: “I want to have a word with you about the incident yesterday. I felt as if I were an idiot who has been doing a bad job here for years. That does not do me justice. I would appreciate it if you sometimes express when you are satisfied with my work.” The same applies to you as a manager in relation to your own manager.

Very important: no accusations, but rather formulate the experience as an “I”-statement.

• Which incident has occurred and when? (concrete facts, one case!)
• How did you experience the incident? (emotion)
• What was the worst part?(reason)
• What behavior from your supervisor do you want for the future? (a concrete request)

Strive for a conversation, not a confrontation! Avoid pseudo-“I”-Statements such as “I have the feeling that you do not take me seriously” (that is to say nothing else than “You do not take me seriously”), for instance instead formulate it like this: “I am angry because I want my concerns to be heard.” Very important is the signal: You can not do everything to me – but without appearing aggressive.