Set boundaries and say “No”

Why it is so difficult to say “No”

Most people have difficulties giving feedback to their supervisor – even when questioned whether or not they already arrived at their performance limit. You may also know this from your own team members (but certainly from yourself): They do not even defend themselves against overload. There are many reasons why it is so difficult to say “No”:

What might he/she think about me?!
After all, I also want to be promoted one day.
My boss is going to realise when it is too much for me.
Even others can do that!
I don’t want to make the impression that I am refusing to work!
If they trust me to do that, I don’t want to disappoint them.

The most important thing if you want to say “No” is the inner attitude. If you are absolutely sure that you have the right to set boundaries for others, you must show this with conviction. That is why you will find 5 good reasons to say “No” hereafter: More importantly though, are your own reasons. Write them down! Und read them out loud (when nobody can hear you!). This conviction “I am allowed to say No“ should become second nature to you. Not until you are totally convinced, will you be persuasive (without needing extra practice).

Five good reasons why you have to learn to say “No”

If you want to achieve your aims in this life, you have to learn to say “No” to the exorbitant demands of other people. And again and again you will have to set limits to your employees.

People learn from their experiences. If your employees experience is that “the manager gives the work to someone else, if only I grouch enough”, they will remember that and try it again next time.

The same applies to yourself at a colleague level: If you have done someone a favor several times and still dare to say “no” next time, be aware that you might get an answer like “You used to be different before”.

However, you should do it. For the sake of your health and your relationship. And most importantly for your own well-being. After all you have your own life, your own activities and enough work to do.

Other people are making their own lives easy and your life hard, when they ask you “please just this once do me a small favor”. This needn’t to be in bad faith. But it is wise and healthy not to play this game.

A small guide to setting limits to your own manager when it comes to yourself.

Basis

People say “conviction is convincing”. The one that questions the legitimation of his/her own boundaries, has basically already lost. A good piece of advice is to write down a list of all the reasons why it is important for you to set boundaries before a conversation starts. You should not mention all of these points within the conversation – but you should keep them in your mind to give you encouragement. Only when you are really confident, are you going to be convincing. Be prepared to say “No”: Note all of your arguments and read them out loud before you go to work every day!
No excuses

Do not apologize if you refuse a task. You are totally entitled to protect yourself against overload and it is even your personal obligation doing so. Do not start to provide more justifications and excuses. Do not say “I am sorry”, but say “I need this for my recovery. If not, I think about work all the time and can‘t get away from it all.” This is how you make clear “This is not against you – it is for me”; You are not offending anyone. You don‘t feel sorry for anything – at least you shouldn‘t. You can apologize for things later. But if you start this unsolicited, you open yourself up to being criticized for your decision.
Be prepared for resistance

Be aware that it might be possible that your supervisor is not going to say. “Man, that is impressive, how you take care of yourself!” Your supervisor is interested in making sure that things run smoothly (this is no accusation – she/he already has enough to do). Please reckon that your supervisor is going to say something like: “Until today you have always been doing…” or even “Then I need to look for someone else to do it”. It presumably won’t be that bad, but even when you have to face this massive opposition: You have thought it through really well.
Upright and breathing out!

When the moment comes: Stand in an upright posture. No floundering, no leaning the head to the side! That won‘t be convincing. You can admit that these steps take quite a bit of effort, but your body language should signalize certainty. Take a deep breath and afterwards formulate in explicit terms your boundaries, e.g.: I would like to be undisturbed after finishing time to fully recover, that is why I would like to turn off my mobile phone at the end of a working day from now on.
Parrot technique

If your boss tries to convince you to stick to your former behavior (something she/he is going to most likely do because she/he wants to maintain the status quo and if you suddenly do not play along anymore she/he will have to make changes, too), you should repeat your sentence with the same words. Don‘t be afraid that it could sound ridiculous – repeating the same words like a parrot – it is the other way around. If you repeat the same statement of complaint with other words, you will appear much weaker and uncertain than if you echo exactly the same words in the identical way or even with a more confident tone.
Stay strong

Do not let yourself be persuaded, particularly by compliments such as: “but without you here everything will go downhill; You know that the clients always want to have everything directly – I can‘t do it without you.” Sounds nice. It might be a form of recognition that you have waited for a long time. But is would be fatal to back down now. By doing so, you would signalize “the one that whines will get from me what s/he wants.” The consequence? Your supervisor won‘t take you seriously anymore when you want to set boundaries. She/he simply learned something else: “You only have to complain for a little while and then she/he will do what I want.”
Check priorities

In case your desk is already full and you don‘t know where to start: Ask to clarify priorities (this is how you communicate that you don‘t intend not to work at all). To master everything at once is impossible: which request can wait? Thereby you delegate the next decision to your supervisor.
Consider the standard of value

Try to appeal to the standard of value of your supervisor, e.g. by saying, “I can‘t guarantee this high standard of quality, if the workload expands.” Certainly quality is an important value for your supervisor. If there are further requests, you can give more arguments such as “I still want to do my best, but due to that I need this” or “you can benefit more from my work when I am fit”.

Thought experiment

What is the worst case scenario, when I say no?
What is the worst case scenario, when I do not say no?